I have a second page!

baby, blogging, pregnancy

Hello followers! This is a post to let you know that I have been working on a second page, I feel that My life is so complex that I need more than one outlet to express what I have to say. also this will deal more with love and random life stories, and my other page will deal with the new chapter in my life that is motherhood!

so head on over to


to read about my motherhood journey!



So I’m changing it up, usually I post some snarky sarcastic possibly even rude stuff– and sometimes I try to sound smart and poetic. WELL NOT TODAY! today is all about the Playoffs! Yes friends baseball season has come to an “end” it’s playoff time! and for the first time in a very long time I can say the Chicago Cubs are back in the playoffs– after winning their wildcard game against the Pirates the other night. Every year as cubs fans nationwide are truly aware of, we always say “this is our year”; and knock on wood this year REALLY is our year! Joe Maddon said that this year he was going to bring the Cubs to the world series, and by god I hope he can do it! Shit just being back in the playoffs is a feat most of us (myself included) were skeptical of. I have never been more thrilled to see, the cubbies back in the spotlight for a playoff berth– and more importantly all those white sox fans can finally keep their mouths shut for once. It’s time for playoff beards (the only time it is socially acceptable for grown men to look like paul bunyan, or any other kind of mountain man). I look forward to the upcoming series against the St. Louis Cardinals, I hope to keep this positive momentum going all the way to the world series.

If the cubs go and win, I can kiss reasonably priced tickets goodbye, but I don’t care– okay that’s a lie I’d care a little. For years i’ve been enjoying fairly cheap tickets depending on who the other team was and where I wanted to sit. if that changes it’ll be the end of an era. However it will also mean the start of a new era– an era where people don’t laugh at me when I say I’m a cubs fan. An era where I no longer have to compare it to being an auburn fan (roll tide baby) or a fan of any other team where, you know they’re going to disappoint you. BUT you love them anyway.

So Let’s flytheW cubbies and go all the way to the world series. I just have one question, Hey Chicago.. Whaddya say?

When you hate the world.


So this post isn’t going to be spiritual, or metaphorical for anything, it’s pretty much just going to be blunt– very very blunt. There comes a time in everyone’s life when you wake up one day and just realize…. you hate the world i mean you literally hate the planet and the majority of the people who inhabit it. You hate them for one petty or dumb reason or another but the feeling sticks, it grows and blossoms into a full blown hatred. In fact this feeling makes me think of a song which is I shit you not, Titled—- I HATE EVERYONE. In fact I routinely look this song up for a laugh when my own feelings of animosity and hate just seem to be too much to handle. then I smile and go on with life remembering that I hate you all. And if you think for one single second that I genuinely like you, think again— my list of people who I actually am fond of, is very very small, and most likely shrinking everyday because I am just so over people and bullshit. in fact I think my list is pretty much down to four people, and one of those people is technically not a person at all because it’s my dog. So just remember I hate the world and I probably hate you too.

Sticks and Stones


We’ve all heard the expression, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

I think it’s safe to say, that while yes this child’s rhyme that is meant to deter a person from saying hurtful things because ” words will never hurt me.” Is unfortunately a load of crap. Words do hurt, words are the most powerful weapons we as humans have— I know I’ve said that before.

Yet it’s the cold hard truth, the sad thing about today’s world is we know how to use our words in such a powerful way— whether you think so or not what you say is hurtful, we teach our kids to be resilient when it comes to name calling and hurtful words. But what we don’t see is the internal struggle, the repeated effort of just simply attempting to brush these things off as if they didn’t happen. It seems to be that we are all missing key elements on what it means to have humanity, compassion and kindness in this world. I pray that one day we remember that what we say and how we say it truly matter. I pray we remember that actions speak louder than words, I pray that we all learn to forgive not only ourselves but others as well. And I pray that we can all remember that we were created equal and are all loved the same.

We shouldn’t be teaching our children rhymes to throw at a bully to mask that the words that were said were hurtful. Or better yet uncalled for, maybe it’s wishful thinking. Yet this future that I wish for, will not come easy.

It is up to all of us to be better as people, to be the best possible versions of ourselves, so our kids and our peers realize and learn the best way to be in society. I pray that one day we all learn how to be better.

The things Titanic has Taught me


I find that, watching the same movies over and over again as I get progressively older– brings new perspective. It makes me realize the things I couldn’t have possibly understood at age 10, 15,17, or even at 20 for that matter.

Someone once said to me “You jump I jump.” at the time I didn’t realize it was a quote from the movie Titanic, it was said by Jack, as he was imploring Rose to come back from dangling over the edge of the stern. And as we all know, Rose— doesn’t jump and the movie goes on to create one of the MOST poetic and romantic yet tragically sad love stories of all time.

But there are things that the Titanic has taught me, about life, love, and the stupidity of people in 1912. Especially the stupidity of people in 1912– but there are stupid people no matter what era you live in, pretentious people, sexist people.

I’ve found that looking at the inspiring messages mean more than anything else. One of my favorite quotes (Other than “you jump I jump”) is one that was said towards the end of the movie, by the elderly portrayal of Rose. It is so poetically beautiful and somehow so true, that it can make your heart ache. This is near the end of her story when she reveals that, she has never spoken of her true love— and that because there is no record of him having ever existed; her memory is the only thing that still keeps him alive.

“No, there wouldn’t be, would there? And I’ve never spoken of him until now… Not to anyone… Not even your grandfather… A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me… in every way that a person can be saved. I don’t even have a picture of him. He exists now… only in my memory.”

A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets, That– well that is the part that stands out to me the most I suppose because it means the most to me as a person, for I too truly believe that there can be that one absolute in your life that can save you and I mean truly save you. In every single way that a person can be saved– because that’s what love is to me, great romances such as the tragedy of the Titanic show those parallels in a person’s real honest to god life. The characters and principles behind their creation move me to tears by the final scene of the movie every single time, simply because Rose kept her promise to the man that she was inexplicably and undeniably, totally and completely,utterly in love with.

Rose had promised to live a full life and to never let go– Jack Dawson was a freeing spirit his character and shared life experiences, were put there to teach us as viewers to never regret a single damn thing about your life; to pursue and follow all your wants and dreams because you never know, how long you have on this planet— so there is no need to waste your time on earth hating the life you live.

All tragic romances, well we know how they end– we know that Jack dies and Rose lives, we know that Titanic sinks and over 1,500 people die simply because there were not enough life boats to accommodate the ships capacity. We know the captain of the Titanic as well as it’s creator go down with the ship and die because in those days that was the “honorable” thing to do. We know that more people could have been saved from the water, had the life boats turned around after the ship had finally gone down. These are the truths that we know.

But there is so much that we do not know because the Titanic went down over 100 years ago. Jack and Rose are not real people, but their story could be anyone’s story, In a sense it is mine.

I find that there are parallels to my life as well, and I suppose that means the creator of the movie did a hell of a job making the story relatable to the masses— as any great story-teller would.

Often I find myself day dreaming about the Titanic, what it would have been like to have been a passenger, what the time period would have meant for me as a woman. but more importantly I find myself yearning for a love like the one that Jack and Rose had. Even though I know it wasn’t real. As humans we all want a love like that.

A love that is so strong, so deep and so powerful, that you would risk everything, your life, your sanity, everything. just to be with that person because the thought of being without this person is in your mind a fate worse than death. A love that powerful is overwhelming yet so pure, one could only hope that we too could have a romance like the one we see on the silver screen.

I know that it is foolish to try to compare a real life romance to a fictional one, yet it is our basic human instinct to want to have something as poetic as the romance of Jack and Rose. We want to live in the imaginary rather than the real or the ordinary.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we’re gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we’ll always go on

Those have never been more accurate, it seemed only fitting that the song my heart will go on, was not only the theme for the movie, but the music without the vocals happens to be Rose’s “theme song”.

The lyrics are simply the most beautiful, and poetic yet truthful words that could be put on paper. I firmly believe that, which is why I also believe that one must watch this movie because it will teach you powerful lessons, and move you in an emotional way that is unfathomable because you’ll realize how absoute and true the messages are.

You’re Probably A Jackass


Here’s the universal answer for a lot of questions you might have when it comes to the shitty existence of your life. Ready? It’s pretty powerful stuff, and it’ll probably make things in your life sooo much easier once you’ve learned the sad sad but obvious truth. the answer to all of your questions is….


Here’s some examples, if any of these relate to you– or someone you may know congratulations you and said person are most definitely jackasses

You’re a JACKASS IF….

1. You routinely wonder why nobody ever seems to want to talk to you.

2. People always seem to leave the SECOND you walk into a room

3. You have to force some kind of invite out of people because they just don’t seem to want to ever take you places.

4. If you are lucky enough to be willingly invited somewhere, its usually to someones house and it’s NEVER in a group setting.

5. You have to continuously let people know that you were joking and didn’t mean a single thing you said.

6. Your comments always seem to just rub, EVERYONE the wrong way—and to top it all off you’re completely oblivious to this—every single time.

7. Starting fights is your thing, and you will start one just because you can.

8. You are constantly told “quit being a jackass.”

9. People ignore you because they’re tired of the shit that comes out of your mouth— they heard you, stop repeating it— you just look stupid now.

IF any of these examples hit home with your own life or the life of someone you know…. CONGRATULATIONS!! That makes you or your friend— or you and your friend JACKASSES!

Perception Isn’t Reality (sometimes we like to think that) but its NOT

Advice, life

I know that we all hear at one time or another “Perception is reality.” I’d like to take a moment however to say that it isn’t. Or at least it isn’t to an extent. As human’s we all like to put up fronts or create a positive image, it’s natural instinct no body wants to be judged harshly by their peers. However what we fail to recognize is that the image we present sometimes isn’t true, and because of this we allow ourselves to fool others, and even ourselves sometimes. What we say can affect other people, but it is potentially affecting them based off of this made up image of ourselves. The pictures that we see on social media don’t always tell the whole story, the posts that we read online aren’t always as black and white as we’d like to believe. People are multidimensional and in reality NOTHING is ever exactly as it seems…. Life gets presented to us and others in shades of grey, and events or perceptions will ultimately get twisted so people will see what the individual wants others to see. Its no ones fault if someone else’s dumbass decides to take what they see as the supreme law of the land. Creating an image at some point will ALWAYS backfire, realistically because what you’re trying to convince the free world of just isn’t true.

Eventually what you, your mom, your cousin, your best friend, their best friend, and his/her aunt twice removed will gain clarity of is that this is your life, not theirs or anyone else’s so who the fuck cares what people think or how they “perceive” you. Chances are that what they think isn’t true or has been blown completely out of proportion anyway. SO why give them the satisfaction of knowing that, they got to you. That it bothered you so much as an individual you tried to morph or hide who you are or what you’ve accomplished because you thought it wasn’t going to be good enough, or because you didn’t want them to make some asinine, deluded, ridiculous comment to you. It doesn’t fucking matter, what people think doesn’t matter at all. An opinion or your feelings are your own personal expression of who YOU ARE. No one else can take that from you, and if someone thinks that they can, or if someone is going to try and shoot you down then fuck ’em.

Perception isn’t really reality, people just say that so they don’t feel bad about judging others, or deciding that they just don’t believe what you are saying. its the biggest load of BULLSHIT I’ve ever heard, judgments aren’t reserved for other people, Judgements are reserved for GOD and only GOD. Society should grasp that concept and learn to live life in a positive and constructive manner. It blows my mind how many people think it is okay to judge others when they aren’t perfect themselves— and trust me I would know because at one time in my life I was the biggest offender of that very thing. Treating people with decency and respect can and will go a long way. Why waste time being negative?

There are two golden rules in life, and these life rules have nothing to do with any of this “perception is reality” bullshit they’re quite simple and we’ve been learning them since Kindergarten… but I suppose that there are and will always be people in this world who just never learned the importance of these cardinal rules of life.

1. Treat others the way you would want to be treated: That’s really self explanatory, It’s pretty simple really it is– IF you know for a fact that you would not want someone to disrespect you or treat you poorly, don’t do it to them. This concept of an eye for an eye, is just stupid! Why waste time being disrespectful or rude to a person on this earth, if you don’t want to talk to them or you don’t like them— its pretty simple act like the person doesn’t fucking exist. There problem solved.

2. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. This rule of life is another one that is pretty much point blank accurate. Do I really need to explain it? If you looked at this and said yup I don’t get it why is this a rule of life, go slap yourself right now because you were clearly raised by wolves– or you’re a jackass; Or both you were raised by wolves AND you’re a jackass. Being nice to people it’s common sense, knowing when to hold your tongue and when it is okay to let someone “have it” will make or break your life, it’s the difference between being an upstanding member of society and getting yourself arrested or written up because you didn’t know how to act or keep your damn mouth shut.

What I think we all have come to realize, (and if you haven’t you soon will) Is that nothing is ever really “perception” so much as personal judgement or conclusions made based off of an opinion, whether it is shared by everyone or it is just an individual opinion isn’t important. Once it’s made chances are it won’t be changed, so this idea that we all need to create all this positive fake crap is just wrong, no matter what you do or don’t do, you’re gunna get judged, someone will day unfair and untrue things about you and people won’t follow the golden rules of life.

Let’s face it, that’s just how it is, that’s how its going to be and that’s the kind of world we get to raise our kids in. It’s pretty fucked up and it’s imperfect, but it’s how we all learn grow and become who we are supposed to be. There should be a better way to do it and maybe one day there will be– but until that day comes. I think we all need to remember a simple truth.

PERCEPTION ISN’T REALITY (sometimes we like to think that) BUT ITS NOT…. I swear to you It’s NOT.

Everything I’ve left Unsaid


Looking back on my life, mostly at the missed opportunities or the doors unopened– I find myself thinking more and more about what I didn’t say. The things that I had wanted to tell the person I loved the insults I wanted to give my biggest enemies but didn’t. Simple things I wish I could say now, to the ones that have long since left my life and I can’t. I’d say I love you more, and start fights less. I’d let the flaws of others not bother me so much because in all reality I’m running from my own flaws. If I could have a megaphone and the ability to have my voice broadcast directly to those that I want to hear me, I’d tell them that I miss what was, That I should of fought harder and I am trying to move on now but not because I want to. But it’s evident that I am no longer welcome in their life, and as much as I hate that, and I hate myself for being the one to cause that outcome and I wish more than anything in the world I could change it all. I’d forgive everyone who has ever wronged me in my life If it meant that I have more friends because of it. Its strangely ironic that the images and memories that once held so much positivity and prospect now have a completely different meaning yet here I am still holding on to what was, and I’m holding on maybe because I really truly am afraid that I may never find love again, or find someone who can truly accept me for me. Or maybe I’m holding on because I know how real it was and it would be almost shameful to feel anything that real ever again with someone else. I have my memories of what was and even if i’m only saying I love you in my head– I’m hearing it back and it’s not a foreign feeling. I am in almost every sense of the word Afraid to heal, and I think it’s truly because I know what I had and I know it’ll never be the same with anyone else. Love is a powerful thing. It’s exciting and intoxicating yet frightening all at the same time. I can’t let go because I don’t want those feelings or memories to fade. Maybe its foolish because I’ll be torturing myself for all eternity and in all actuality probably end up alone for the rest of my life. Yet that dosen’t seem to bother me, I’m already a shell of what I once was. I wish I could look the people who have left my life in the eyes and tell them I don’t blame them for leaving, I don’t blame them for loving others or for realizing that I wasn’t worth being in their lives anymore. I don’t blame god anymore for taking thier lives due to old age and disease, knowing they’re in a better place, even if it means a life away from me and this earth. But if I could see them one more time to say everything that I’ve never said before I would jump at that chance, I would take every chance I had after that to clear the air and get it all off my chest and off of my conscious. The things that I have come to realize overtime that have gone unsaid whether it was because there was never the right time or enough time, that’s what still keeps me up, I replay every instance of my life over and over again and it frightens me that I missed out on so many oportunites to say what I felt and what I really meant. I’d give anything to be able to look someone in the eye and say “I love you, for who you are, who you have been and who you will be.” if I could say “I will ALWAYS love you, I’ve never stopped and I never will.” If I could say “I Miss you, I miss having you in my life, come back to it because nothing is the same without you.” The words that go left unsaid out of fear of a bad reaction is almost as bad as not wanting to love or be loved again because you don’t want to forget your old memories. Fear is almost as intoxicating as love, I think in some ways they’re interchangeable. You can not have one without the other. To be honest I don’t think I want to stop feeling how I do now, because to stop hurting all the time is to admit that a huge chapter of my life is over, and I don’t want it to be. I’ve never wanted it to be, there’s a huge part of me that has died and no matter how much I will it to come back to life, no matter how much I beg to let it live in me again it just doesn’t. I haven’t really ever told anyone this before, and I guess there’s no better time like the present to make life altering choices. Saying what needs to be said no matter how many days, weeks, months or years late it is. Sometimes saying what was left unsaid seems to be about the only thing left to do, so why not do it?

The Anthem of My life.

bullshit, life

I’ve come to notice certain trends have become the anthem or anthems of my life. Regret, poor choices, bad decisions and lonliness. I regret pushing everyone away, I regret not saying what was on my mind and making every moment count. I regret loving and losing love because I don’t think I will ever find it again. I’m sure I am not worthy of anyone’s love– I’m not even worthy of my own love. I regret puting my life on hold and trying to be someone that I just wasn’t. I made poor choices and bad decisions because I couldn’t accept that I was not who everyone wanted me to be, and its mentally and physically exhausting trying to be someone that you just aren’t for the sake of your parents, for the sake of love, for everyone other than yourself. The deafaning silence and crushing feelings of being completely and utterly alone are even worse then the sinking feeling of adding another regret to the unbearably long list of things that you wish you could take back do over or never have done to begin with. I’ve come to realize that I now know all too well what it means to be dead inside. Dead to everything, emotions, other people, and I think even to life itself. If I’m smiling its not genuine shit I look back through my facebook pictures for the last five years and I don’t even think any of it was real. The anthem of my life, it rings in my memories in my head I can’t get it to stop playing– its like a great song put on repeat. Only this song isn’t great, its my fucked up derailed life, and I wish for the love of god it would stop playing. I Want a new anthem. Its not fun to feel tortured by the mistakes, I hate having my heart get ripped out of my chest seeing all my friends move on with thier lives, they get engaged and make plans to be married. Instead I get to sit there and watch it all unfold before me and I hate myself because I can’t even be genuinely happy for THEM, its not about me its them and I’m so messed up that I can’t even celebrate thier joy because I hate them for being happy when I’m so fucking miserable. I want to feel like I can open up with someone again, I’ve learned the hard way that if you tell people too much about yourself eventually they have all the ammunition in the world to hurt you with. Yeah fuck that shit, I really want to be able to say maybe they might hurt me but it’s okay because I’m living and growing. I want a new anthem, one that is upbeat and happy I want to be happy but I just don’t even think I know what that is. I’ve been stripped of everything I’m devoid of any human like qualities– I am just here on earth, and 95% of the time I would really rather not be. When I was younger I used to have “anthems” all the time, it’d be music or specific songs that I felt were symbolic to what was going on with me. It’s no longer songs but regrets that are my Anthems. I regret hurting everything and everyone I’ve ever come in contact with, and one day I promise to you I will make it up to every single person I’ve wronged. I owe you that much. I want a new anthem in my life because the anthem of my life right now sucks. Living in my own personal hell sucks. This, yeah this is the anthem of my life.