Confessions of a Broken Girl.

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Alright guys, it’s time to get personal. Yup I said it– Confession time, I feel as though it needs to be put out there, maybe some of you are feeling this way too and you just can’t seem to find the words to say it, if that is the case; let me say those words for you. I want to be your voice in the tunnel of dark, the calm in the living hell that you might be going through. I promise it really does seem hard now but it get’s SO MUCH better… In time. And then there’s me, I won’t deny it I am broken, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. In every sense of the word I am broken. I let someone strip what confidence and sense of self worth completely away from me and in all honesty I didn’t have much of either of those things to begin with. As a person, I NEVER want anyone to go through what I went through, and in someways what I am still going through, the memories and the pain never really truly leave you. it just gets easier to mask until maybe– just maybe you don’t feel it so much anymore; for a time being you are able to forget it all but then maybe something as simple as a snapchat or the mention of his name, brings it all back and it debilitates you sending your brain into overdrive trying to block the memories that come flooding back. It paralyzes every physical and metaphysical inch of your person, rips at what’s remaining in your body and soul; shakes your very being to its core and the worst part is you can’t get out of it. The black hole that is your life seems to be sucking you farther and farther in, and the more and more you try to escape– like a riptide it sucks your further under and farther away from shore. Physically It feels like you… Like I am drowning in my own life and it never seems to end. The act that I am okay get’s more and more convincing, It’s great because sometimes I even fool myself into thinking that I’m happy. If I could win an oscar for best leading actress I hope that my nomination would come from masking my depression for so long. I hope it would come from convincing everyone that I am 100% okay when Really I’m just barely hanging on. Sure Like normal people I have my ups and downs, but my down days are ten times worse then anyone else’s.
If you tried to get inside my head for even a minute it would terrify you, to the point that you would run screaming away and never look at me again. But maybe that’s what’s best, because at this point I and probably anyone else who feels this way already thinks that we are alone anyway. The one person who you thought was always going to be there for you, turns out to be like everyone else– and The shitty part is I’ve even tried to blame myself saying it’s my fault he left, or that I’ve ruined his life. In reality it really isn’t my fault or his for that matter, it just really wasn’t meant to be, and we probably both played a role in it. it’s been god know’s how long but the second he seeks you out, instantly he is the only thing on your mind… on MY mind, and I can’t help but wonder does he irrationally miss me as much as I miss him? If any of this hits home with you, then I truly and wholeheartedly feel your pain, not only do I feel it–but I live it every single day. I haven’t been the same, my life has not and will never be the same again. Honestly 95% of the time I feel like i’ve been living in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from and it truly and utterly terrifies me. I cannot even begin to fathom how or why any of this has happened to me at all I can never seem to find an answer, I make myself absolutely sick most of the time when I think about it. We were in love right? where did that go? where did that man go? I’m telling you right now, stop asking yourself how or why; because I do and I get nowhere, it gives me no closure and it makes me more miserable ( who knew that was possible) than I already am. if you’re like me we as people just need to know that we Were in fact loved or that we ARE in fact currently loved. and I can promise you, You may not feel loved right now, but it does get better and you will feel that way once again.

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