2:26 AM. That time is forever burned into my brain, each new confession each time the truth was finally revealed to me. It is forever ingrained into my brain burning my thoughts haunting my very being. I have haunting, torturous memories dating as far back as 2009, each one gnawing on my conscious. These flashbacks and thoughts mock me. “I’ve been in love with someone else for over a year. I hope you know we’re done.” Well no shit sherlock, I’m well aware of what’s been going on and how “done” we are. Words are only words, We can say we’re done all we want. But I think in reality the sick bitch truth of it all is we are NEVER truly done. Not when a love like that burns so strong that you make yourself sick over what happens, when it has the capacity to completely shatter your world to the point where you contemplate suicide as your only escape. Each drunk call I get, each new confession I hear. The words and stories keep contradicting each other, how is it that so many people use the phrase drunken words are sober thoughts? those words are lies; we don’t know the truth and who are we to say a drunk thought is what someone really and truly means. Words are just that words, but actions those are what really count.
Let me put something in perspective, for a lot of you. I fell in love at 16, I am 22. I have lived in a living hell for 6 years, I am still living in it. I am living in it because of the Words. His actions say he’s done with me– but up until 2:26 am; his words had said otherwise. Then in that moment his words became striking blows designed to hurt me, but explained to me as something he owed me- because it was something i “deserved”. That his words had no malice or ill-intent. YEAH BULLSHIT. He was and still is the master of words, but I mean who could blame him… he was playing a dangerous game with himself. a game that I eventually caught on to, and In some ways helped enable because I learned how to play that game right back. It sickens me that I allowed myself to get sucked up into the horrors of a lifestyle such as that. Words are only Words, until you say something that causes irreversible damage, almost as if it were some horrific accident that you end up witnessing– all you can do is watch in complete horror as a bus hits a motorcycle head on (so to speak). Its shocking because words truly are some of the most powerful things we as humans have in our arsenal.
Words, these day’s there are a lot that I wish I could forget completely; and with forgetting those words I can erase the memories that go with it. I think we all know that If we forgot the memories that went with words we wouldn’t have much going for us as people. As hard as it is to relive the pain, for awhile we have to- it’s how we grieve it’s how we grow as humans. Words have the power to change lives if applied with the right actions.
“I wasn’t ready to settle down, I could never and would never give you the things you wanted, but I would with her.” Well shithead SHE isn’t the one that you proposed to at 19, You put the ring on MY finger and told me that you wanted to be my husband and have kids with me. isn’t it funny how the person you were ENGAGED to, you just couldn’t seem to find the right words or actions to show that it’s what you really wanted. I find the irony of it all disgustingly accurate– and believe me I WISH I didn’t. But remember words and promises don’t really mean jack shit unless the person making them actually plans on following through. If there’s no follow through then all that’s really happened is a whole lot of empty and nothing. A lack of any real commitment or stability, it is the most devastating thing to have to go through. I spent countless hours of my life destroying my sanity, trying to figure out WHY. WHY I wasn’t enough, Why my words of encouragement and love weren’t enough. But 2:26AM that is when it HIT me, I was always enough, HE just couldn’t or (maybe WOULDN’T is a better word) see it. I had the ability to keep him in check, and because of how childish he now at 22 still is, Blames me. Blames everyone else but himself– the bad habits that he says he was never going to give up for me, conveniently he still partakes in on a regular basis. Yet he says he is ready to settle down. BULLSHIT, remember their only words unless you actually act upon them. Words do not merit any substance unless there is actually some acknowledgement that something NEEDS to and SHOULD BE done to prove that what you’ve said is the absolute truth.
Truth– that’s a word that truly doesn’t mean SHIT to me anymore. What is truth? what is honesty? apparently its not a common thing to uphold or have anymore. Maybe it’s just societies fault, or maybe it is how we are raised. but whatever the case may be, it just isn’t there. and that, well that KILLED me, it KILLED US. or whatever fucked up thing “we” were. Because to be perfectly honest I couldn’t tell ya what that was. It is laughable that you’ve gone around telling everyone who you really are. when people (Including your parents and friends) have seen who you are because you’ve treated them the EXACT same way that you were treating me, yet you go and try to fix your image in their eyes. You spoke your piece– at 2:26 am. Now i’m going to speak mine.
You are childish, a borderline alcoholic– you have no clue what the fuck you want in this life, I feel sorry for you because you still go and try to blame the girls for your three failed relationships. ( One of which the ex girlfriend is now dating YOUR best friend) Everything that you claim you want in this life, doesn’t come out at all in your actions. You are a time energy and life suck. Narcissistic, Ignorant and foolish, I’ve tried for 6 years to be not only your friend but someone that you could trust fully. Instead you treated me like I was expendable, like I didn’t matter, I was your door mat and punching bag. I fucking took all of that from you, all of your ABUSE. because YES you jackass, that is what that was. it was ABUSE you are ABUSIVE. It makes me sick that you even try to deny it, and what makes me even more sick is that your friends are just as fucking twisted as to call me the liar. THEY didn’t live through it, and coincidentally you were apparently TOO FUCKING DRUNK, to remember any of it. BUT not me you sick fuck, not me I took all of it. I hope whoever you try to pursue next puts you in your place, I hope that you wake the fuck up and learn one day. “I’ll use all my mistakes with you and all my other girlfriends as what not to do with the new girl I want.” HA FUCK YOU, no you won’t. I bet you told your self that when you were trying to be with me. Did you learn? NO you didn’t. I think all the years of drugs and drinking have finally caught up to what brain cells you had left. I wish you nothing but happiness you were a chapter in my life and, one of the most tragic yet great love stories. I thank you for that.
But seriously for the love of all things that are GOOD AND HOLY…. GROW THE HELL UP.
but what do I know right? I mean after all, Words are only Words.