Everything I’ve left Unsaid

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Looking back on my life, mostly at the missed opportunities or the doors unopened– I find myself thinking more and more about what I didn’t say. The things that I had wanted to tell the person I loved the insults I wanted to give my biggest enemies but didn’t. Simple things I wish I could say now, to the ones that have long since left my life and I can’t. I’d say I love you more, and start fights less. I’d let the flaws of others not bother me so much because in all reality I’m running from my own flaws. If I could have a megaphone and the ability to have my voice broadcast directly to those that I want to hear me, I’d tell them that I miss what was, That I should of fought harder and I am trying to move on now but not because I want to. But it’s evident that I am no longer welcome in their life, and as much as I hate that, and I hate myself for being the one to cause that outcome and I wish more than anything in the world I could change it all. I’d forgive everyone who has ever wronged me in my life If it meant that I have more friends because of it. Its strangely ironic that the images and memories that once held so much positivity and prospect now have a completely different meaning yet here I am still holding on to what was, and I’m holding on maybe because I really truly am afraid that I may never find love again, or find someone who can truly accept me for me. Or maybe I’m holding on because I know how real it was and it would be almost shameful to feel anything that real ever again with someone else. I have my memories of what was and even if i’m only saying I love you in my head– I’m hearing it back and it’s not a foreign feeling. I am in almost every sense of the word Afraid to heal, and I think it’s truly because I know what I had and I know it’ll never be the same with anyone else. Love is a powerful thing. It’s exciting and intoxicating yet frightening all at the same time. I can’t let go because I don’t want those feelings or memories to fade. Maybe its foolish because I’ll be torturing myself for all eternity and in all actuality probably end up alone for the rest of my life. Yet that dosen’t seem to bother me, I’m already a shell of what I once was. I wish I could look the people who have left my life in the eyes and tell them I don’t blame them for leaving, I don’t blame them for loving others or for realizing that I wasn’t worth being in their lives anymore. I don’t blame god anymore for taking thier lives due to old age and disease, knowing they’re in a better place, even if it means a life away from me and this earth. But if I could see them one more time to say everything that I’ve never said before I would jump at that chance, I would take every chance I had after that to clear the air and get it all off my chest and off of my conscious. The things that I have come to realize overtime that have gone unsaid whether it was because there was never the right time or enough time, that’s what still keeps me up, I replay every instance of my life over and over again and it frightens me that I missed out on so many oportunites to say what I felt and what I really meant. I’d give anything to be able to look someone in the eye and say “I love you, for who you are, who you have been and who you will be.” if I could say “I will ALWAYS love you, I’ve never stopped and I never will.” If I could say “I Miss you, I miss having you in my life, come back to it because nothing is the same without you.” The words that go left unsaid out of fear of a bad reaction is almost as bad as not wanting to love or be loved again because you don’t want to forget your old memories. Fear is almost as intoxicating as love, I think in some ways they’re interchangeable. You can not have one without the other. To be honest I don’t think I want to stop feeling how I do now, because to stop hurting all the time is to admit that a huge chapter of my life is over, and I don’t want it to be. I’ve never wanted it to be, there’s a huge part of me that has died and no matter how much I will it to come back to life, no matter how much I beg to let it live in me again it just doesn’t. I haven’t really ever told anyone this before, and I guess there’s no better time like the present to make life altering choices. Saying what needs to be said no matter how many days, weeks, months or years late it is. Sometimes saying what was left unsaid seems to be about the only thing left to do, so why not do it?

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