The Anthem of My life.

bullshit, life

I’ve come to notice certain trends have become the anthem or anthems of my life. Regret, poor choices, bad decisions and lonliness. I regret pushing everyone away, I regret not saying what was on my mind and making every moment count. I regret loving and losing love because I don’t think I will ever find it again. I’m sure I am not worthy of anyone’s love– I’m not even worthy of my own love. I regret puting my life on hold and trying to be someone that I just wasn’t. I made poor choices and bad decisions because I couldn’t accept that I was not who everyone wanted me to be, and its mentally and physically exhausting trying to be someone that you just aren’t for the sake of your parents, for the sake of love, for everyone other than yourself. The deafaning silence and crushing feelings of being completely and utterly alone are even worse then the sinking feeling of adding another regret to the unbearably long list of things that you wish you could take back do over or never have done to begin with. I’ve come to realize that I now know all too well what it means to be dead inside. Dead to everything, emotions, other people, and I think even to life itself. If I’m smiling its not genuine shit I look back through my facebook pictures for the last five years and I don’t even think any of it was real. The anthem of my life, it rings in my memories in my head I can’t get it to stop playing– its like a great song put on repeat. Only this song isn’t great, its my fucked up derailed life, and I wish for the love of god it would stop playing. I Want a new anthem. Its not fun to feel tortured by the mistakes, I hate having my heart get ripped out of my chest seeing all my friends move on with thier lives, they get engaged and make plans to be married. Instead I get to sit there and watch it all unfold before me and I hate myself because I can’t even be genuinely happy for THEM, its not about me its them and I’m so messed up that I can’t even celebrate thier joy because I hate them for being happy when I’m so fucking miserable. I want to feel like I can open up with someone again, I’ve learned the hard way that if you tell people too much about yourself eventually they have all the ammunition in the world to hurt you with. Yeah fuck that shit, I really want to be able to say maybe they might hurt me but it’s okay because I’m living and growing. I want a new anthem, one that is upbeat and happy I want to be happy but I just don’t even think I know what that is. I’ve been stripped of everything I’m devoid of any human like qualities– I am just here on earth, and 95% of the time I would really rather not be. When I was younger I used to have “anthems” all the time, it’d be music or specific songs that I felt were symbolic to what was going on with me. It’s no longer songs but regrets that are my Anthems. I regret hurting everything and everyone I’ve ever come in contact with, and one day I promise to you I will make it up to every single person I’ve wronged. I owe you that much. I want a new anthem in my life because the anthem of my life right now sucks. Living in my own personal hell sucks. This, yeah this is the anthem of my life.

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